My anxiety and the art of faking it.
What we all need is the compassion impulse.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle….”
There’s so much to say about this photo of my friend Chase Jarvis interviewing me. Good hair day (Chase is a total pro, so he has a stylist and proper green room and amazing swag for his guests.)
I was my thinnest because I’d been on a starvation diet…prep for a new guy I was dating. I’d also just had a major bout with mould poisoning, and my gut and sinuses were whacked.
I was wearing my glasses because my eyes were swollen from crying. Because New Guy was not good for me, and I knew it. And I wasn’t going to let sooner turn into later, so I ended it in one call. I thought I was going to marry New Guy, so it was a big deal.
I was stoned on Sinutab and Advil. On the train ride from Vancouver to Seattle, I prayed that my vocal cords would be intact and to not have a panic attack while recording. And that morning, to help me suit up and show up, I took one of my first doses of Ativan—an anti-anxiety medication.
But don’t I look great in this photo?
This is the time in my life when my hormones tanked, and I went through a big cancel culture situation, and I ended a romance, and then came a period of suicidal ideation and anxiety attacks. It was all new—and shocking to me. I’d been with people who had anxiety attacks in my presence, but I had no idea what they were going through. Now I knew, and the show had to go on.
I walked into Chase’s studio, all hugs and smiles. Some of his team were big fans of my last book. More smiles. But I was too anxious to eat.
I’d just done an EMDR therapy intensive. I spent 3 days in an Airbnb sobbing, recapitulating, and journaling with my amazing psychotherapist in California. I flew home to Vancouver for midnight, and the next morning I headed to Seattle for Chase and another interview with a live audience dialogue with my friend Srini.
Chase is grace and I’m a brick house and we made it through.
And we look great in this photo.
…
Obviously one part of the lesson is: don’t believe what everyone’s filtered life looks like. I think most of us heart centered humans know this. But I catch myself sometimes…
When I’m scrollin’ and thinkin’, girlfriend, I know you don’t cook wearing white linen, and that vid prob took 40 takes, and you don’t need that filler in your face. I’m judging them for filtering. And it’s a microaggression. And it brings my vibe down. And it’s so much a part of social media voyeurism.
Pro tip: if you’re following people on social media that you’re wildly jealous or judgy of and you feel yourself criticizing them every time they pop in your feed—mute or unfollow them. It’s all energy. You don’t need that frequency and neither do they.
What we all need is the compassion impulse.
Compassion assumes that we’re all going through something and we’re all filtering it in one way or another. And it’s our right to do so. And bless, babe. I don’t know what you’ve had to heal or what you’re going through, but I know it’s something. And I’m sending love. And you look great in that photo.
With Love,
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I remember watching that interview! Your writing is always so refreshing and grounding... I felt compassion arise in me in reading—toward you, toward myself, toward some dear friends really going through it and nobody can tell from the outside. Compassion impulse is it!
Thank you for sharing! Your experience helps normalize what is a very human experience so many of us attempt to mask. EMDR is a life saver!