The (significant) downside of fawning

the algorithm is being trained to kiss ass, but what about our own social training?

Hello Love,

In the last issue, I made a point that, like, AI IS NOT YOUR BEST LIFE COACH (Issue 42). It was one of the most shared + saved posts I have ever written.

My focus was on the emotional manipulation that can come from artificial intelligence. Essentially, the algorithm is being trained—by our behavior and inputs—to kiss ass. It’s called fawning.

It’s a form of emotional manipulation. In humans, fawning is a survival mechanism.

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, are behaviours of a dysregulated nervous system.
Fawning gets a bit misunderstood, and I think its implications are understated. Fawning is typically a character adaptation for self preservation. It’s not a physiological response like fight, flight, freeze.

Fight, flight, freeze reactions are driven by an adrenaline + hormonal cocktail. There’s a perceived threat (usually emotional) and if we’re not well resourced and rested, we’ll react defensively/aggressively (fight), use escapism (flight), or go into shut down mode (freeze). The body drives the emotional response.

BTW, this is the exact reason we do spiritual practices—so that WE are in charge of our BODY and brain chemistry, not the other way around. Instead of DEFAULT STRESS REACTIONS, we get good at CONSCIOUS STRESS RESPONSES.

Fawning is different than fighting, flighting, or freezing. Fawning isn’t as much of a physiological reaction—our adrenaline isn’t making us kiss up to someone in order to survive. Fawning is more of a personality gimmick.

When we’re in fawning mode, we’re thinking that it's safer to please other people than to be our authentic self.

Fawning is a trauma response. Usually developed in childhood, when people-pleasing kept us safe. It made sense back then. Sweetness got some of us out of trouble. Doling out compliments kept some of us out of danger. Fawning over people bigger and more powerful than us helped us get the “love” we wanted.

When you’re a vulnerable kid, fawning can be a useful skill. When you’re an adult, fawning backfires on self esteem and relationships.

There’s another source of fawning that doesn't come from childhood or crises. Fawning can also be activated by ongoing stress or chronic physical pain—understandably. We feel weakened, so we fawn to get the support we need. Or we fawn in hopes that the world will be equally praising and tender with us.

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FAWNING ERODES TRUST IN EVERY DIRECTION

Years ago, I worked with the sweetest person who was a habitual fawner. They poured heaps of flattery in all directions, to me, to the boss, to the team. It was constant. In meetings, in emails, in voicemails. Copious compliments and excessive gratitude. Always deferring to others. Going last to voice their opinions. But always with a wide-eyed smile. This person wasn’t shy—they were dynamic and outgoing. They were also traumatized and burdened.

They were overworking. Doing strange hours, making things more complicated, asking the same questions multiple times to multiple people. Profusely apologizing for inconsequential things. It was a combination of heartbreaking, cringey and incredibly annoying.

But the biggest professional downside was that their fawning eroded the trust in the team. We couldn’t believe their opinions. Their recommendations were always a bit suss. Are they saying this to be pleasing? Did they do the research to form an opinion? Could they take the emotional risks that every leader needs to take? Were they resilient enough for feedback?

This truly wonderful person had been dealing with ongoing back pain issues, anxiety waves and was estranged from their mother. They were looking for love and needing a gentle place to land—desperately.

Fawning erodes self worth. It makes the people in our life question our motives—and our integrity. It can create just as much strain as arguing, bailing, and shutting down.

And it’s so healable! Fawning is the shadow’s call to the power of self acceptance.

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This is from my NOURISH SYSTEM PROGRAM:

FAWNING DEFAULT STRESS REACTION: Behaviours

• People pleasing

• Difficulty saying no

• Incapacity to create healthy lines of demarcation

• Tendency to avoid conflict

• Assuming responsibility for other’s emotions and states of mind

• Over apologizing

• Incapacity to verbalize and share one's needs, wants and aspirations

• Incapacity to share opinions for fear of being ridiculed

• Difficulty in self-expression out of fear of being mocked and looked down upon

• Chronic pain or illness as a result of living day to day with fawn response

CONSCIOUS STRESS RESPONSES for FAWNING

AWARENESS: this unconscious defence mechanism is offering you a chance at survival. It’s a gift.

LOVING REMINDER: You’re Loved. You can trust life and your inherent value. Offer yourself Loving Kindnesses.

ACTION: Get the oxytocin flowing: Bonding, trust, love, empathy, genuine connection. Approach the fawning behaviour with LOVE, not self criticism. It’s the love that transmutes it into strength.

• Gratitude, appreciation, journaling

• Vulnerability, safety, intimacy

• Tactile: hugs, cuddling, safe touch

• Laughter with friends

• Nurturing and nourishing self and others

• Connecting with others socially to emphasize depth, love and acceptance

• Spending time with loved ones

• Random acts of kindness

• Listening openly without judgment

• Collaborating with like-minded individuals

• Breath work

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It gives me hope and happiness that so many of us are tuning into our nervous systems. Five years ago, I didn't quite know what the sympathetic or parasympathetic systems were. Now, I think that nervous system balancing should be the #1, highest, most, top, biggie, biggest priority of every human on the planet. Healthy people heal the world.

A send off for the fawner in each of us:
Acknowledge your own needs.
Voice your opinions.
Own your preferences.
Make self-expression as easy as breathing.
Offer up over-apologizing. Just give it to God.
Honour your emotions—and the emotions of others.

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I have a really cool (effective) quiz to identify your stress default reaction. It’s free and fun.

➡️ THE STRESSED TO BLESSED QUIZ

Be yourself, we want to love you for it,

New classes!
The Heart Centered Collective is really lit up this month. My new class is 6 Ways To Cleanse Your Energy Field. The last class was How To Make Good Friends With Your Anger. I do one new teaching a month (and send it to you) and if you can make it, there’s also a Heart To Heart coaching call—and so many practices in the hub.

The $7 trial offer technically closed yesterday…
But if you’re reading this, you’ve still got a window—until Sunday.

Take a dip in some depths. xo D

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